A Series of unfortunate Events

So I go to my car yesterday to attend, yet another dentist appointment when "ER,ER,ER,ER,ER" I turn the key again "ER,ER,ER,ER,ER,ER,ER,ER,ER,ER" What the hell!!!!
I call my father. " It's just you battery, you left your lights on." "But my lights weren't on, I checked. Besides, The clock is right." "Things like this happen,Chandle, call a tow truck. I can't help you when you live 3 hours away." But I don't live 3 hours away. I just drove here for a stupid dentist appointment, I live with you, remember?" "Oh yeah..... Well that sucks. Just call the tow truck." The chorus from some stupid pop song echoes in my head "What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?"
You have to understand I'm not the luckiest person on the block. My credentials include :
1. Losing 30 dollars on a nickel machine because I told myself I'd quit the second I got ahead, even if it was just a nickel. 30 dollars!!!!!

2. Having to fix something with my car virtually every time I take it to get an oil change (water pump, cracked head gasket, speakers disconnected, brakes etc.)

3. My car getting totaled by a drunk driver who drove 100 yards up the street and escaped into the woods leaving behind a trail of Milwalkee Best cans. This resulted in my insurance having to pay for my car and then trying to drop me because I'm a liability.

4. Having the medical bills of an 80 year old woman. This is not a result of not being cautious either. I take a mulitvitamin everyday. I drink 8 glasses of water. I exercise 3-5 times a week. I don't smoke. Regardless, not only do I catch everything, but apparently I also have built-in diseases. I used to think I was just a hypochondriac. I couldn't really be this sick all the time. I tried to dismiss ailments resulting in serious scoldings each time I enter a doctors office "Why didn't you come in sooner? Now it's just worse."
A couple of years ago I ended up at the hospital with pneumonia because I thought my cough would just go away. I have kamikaze teeth (see entry: look ma, no teeth). My doctor has referred to my allergies as not just allergies, but a "debilitating disease". As a result I am on 6 allergy medications. Last month I played ultimate Frisbee and curiously my knee began to swell. A week later I went to the doctor with a knee the size of a grapefruit that I could barely walk on. He told me I needed to take glucosamine chondrotin every day for the rest of my life and gave me a cortisone shot. I had a rare reaction that resulted in quadruple the swelling and a limp like the hunchback of Notre Dame. My sister backed into my car 6 months ago. When I went to the chiropractor for whiplash he informed me that my neck was supporting my head improperly and I needed to sleep on the most uncomfortable pillow in the world.... Forever.

These problems aren't localized on me either. Everyone in my family has metal in his or her body besides my middle sister, who married a man who ended up in prison or jail the majority of there 10 month marriage, and here's the kicker...When she decided to divorce him, she found out she was pregnant the next day.
Is there something in the water I'm drinking? Am I a cosmic joke? Does God sometimes refer to me as Job? I'm expecting boils to break out all over me any second now. Back to my car. I had it towed to a mechanic and low and behold, my fuel system needs cleaned and my fuel pump needs replaced all to the tune of $900. Of course I am currently unemployed due to a spirit for voluntarism and planned on driving my car for 2 more weeks before I put it in storage for 10 months. I don't think the phrase "that's life" is very applicable here. Maybe "That's Chandle's life"?